Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Relationships are Hard, Quit Faking

It's been awhile since I have blogged. I love to journal with pen and paper, so this blogging thing didn't go as smoothly for me as I had hoped. But, like many bloggers say...I'm going to try and do better. I was looking back through some of my journal entries from my transition "home" to the USA from Mexico. Here is one that I hope you enjoy.
For years now I have subscribed and strived for the Christian cliché, "You must be happy at all times. If you are sad, angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, and anything but joyful and you have Jesus, why would someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus want to believe? Be joyful, so they will want the life with Jesus you have.” 

Someone once told me that crying and experiencing emotional ups and downs are only experienced by those who are not spending time with Jesus. I've wrestled with that for many years now, literally trying to train myself to control any and every emotion and when I have them. I force myself to control tears and keep my emotions in tact, especially in front of any authority figures or people in leadership. I feared that any emotion outside of "having it all together" would make people, especially in my "Christian circle," think I was unstable and not spending time with Jesus. And as for those in authority, this thought played in my head: how will I ever get leadership roles myself if I am not perfectly emotionally steady? 

I love Jesus and spend time just being His friend and learning from Him all the time. As I come to love Jesus more and more, I realize daily that relationships are tough and I've been believing lies- allowing my emotional steadiness to be a sign of my closeness with Jesus. 

Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. 
Galatians 1:10
New International Version (NIV)

The origin or root of this fear goes even further back to my extremely legalistic beginnings as a Jesus follower. I wanted (and still do want) everyone to love the Jesus I am crazy about. So I subscribed to the notion that I could not display any emotions outside of joyful, content, and happy. Otherwise, who would want Jesus? I strived to model how great life was with Him at all times so people who didn't believe would want to believe. I could not let my faith cause any worry, fear, or feeling overwhelmed as that is not appealing.

Then one day it hit me. Or Jesus hit me. Either way, it was necessary. Choosing Jesus is a relationship. AND relationships are hard and real, and sometimes real hard. So why would I fake that? 

My heart was good. I wanted everyone to have, believe, and experience the fullness of life that I have only found in Jesus. But I wrongly believed that if my relationship wasn’t good all the time, well then, who would want that?!? 

Every relationship that I have and every relationship I watch as an outsider, I see a common thread between us.  The more we love and share, the closer we get with that person- the more likely we are to experience ups and downs, hard times, and friction. Not all the time. In fact, little of the time in comparison. But emotions happen. We are human and messy, and hence, messy humans.

There is no one I love more than Jesus. If I rub shoulders with Him daily then there are bound to be some highs and lows, right? He is going to refine my rough edges and cause good friction with me that I don't always receive with butterflies, unicorns, rainbows, and skipping. So I’ve come to the realization that if there weren’t some array of emotions, well then I am probably only loving Jesus from a distance and not really doing life in relationship with Him.

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